Sorry to make this about me, but I really feel like a future Roland. I've thought of writing a blog post about it, but I can't think of any angle where I don't come off as a whiny annoying bitch.
I'm nearing 30 and I've been in a relationship. It's the one piece of myself that I just can't seem to put together. I have hobbies I enjoy, I have a good group of friend, I have a job that pays me more than it has any reason to, and I don't have any health issues.
I went to a lot of social events in college, and I'm trying my best to attend similar events. I've used the apps. Yet, I just can't imagine any version of my life where I'm in a relationship. To make a random example, I could imagine "me" becoming a tenured professor. That would be a very different life. It's a life I have no interest in, but it's something I can imagine me doing. I cannot, however, imagine myself inhabiting the role of "boyfriend" anymore than I can imagine myself being a 11th century Viking.
It doesn't bother me 99% of the time, but every once in a while I just get a nagging feeling that I'm missing out on something that's an important part of being a human.
Sorry for the barely-on-topic rant, just feels nice to talk about it sometime.
There were many years when having a long term relationship seemed to me as impossible as becoming an astronaut, so I definitely know where you're coming from. Even when I met the woman who's now my wife, I told her that I never thought I'd get married or have children. Ten years later, I'm still with her and we now have two kids. But when I met her, I had never been in an official relationship with anyone, short term or long term.
I have no advice, honestly. Connection is difficult. Relationships are difficult. Why certain things click with some people but not others has very little to do with reason or compatibility. Often, on paper, relationships between people seem like they can't possibly work. And yet they do.
The otherside of this is that not everyone needs this. I know I did and do. I lied to myself often but always knew I was lying. It's possible that that 1% of the time you think about this has more to do with trying to look at yourself the way you imagine other people do.
Are you missing out on something? Well, yes. But we're all missing out on some aspects of humanity. It sort of depends on which experiences you're willing to live without and what you're willing to do to make sure you don't miss out on the ones you want.
I have a good friend who I imagine will always be single. They don't seem to mind! I've never even heard them mention the prospect of a romantic partner. To be honest, I don't even know their sexual orientation because it literally has never come up in the years we've known each other. But they're happy and content. In many ways, they're probably the most well-adjusted person I know.
I mean, that's exactly how I felt until the day I met my wife. You really just never know. Hope for the best and try to remain open to love. You may meet the love of your life tomorrow but might not until you're 40 or 50.
Man, I don't even have that. I got used to eating in restaurants alone a long time ago. I never wanted romance; never saw why people threw themselves at it to the point of killing themselves. Wish I could at least make friends, though. Find myself surrounded by more and more Rolands; eventually won't fit in with people my own age. Trying to do something to reverse this.
Something a friend of mine did recently to some success was find facebook groups where people in her city are just looking for people to hangout with. I imagine it was awkward at first to put herself out there, but she's assembled a group of friends, which has improved her life a lot.
I've been to some groups. Everyone else brings their friends and hangs out, while I stand there awkwardly trying to fit in at a table or slip into a conversation. Sometimes it's worth the effort, sometimes not, but after, I'm alone again. I'm 40 years behind on making and keeping relationships and no idea how to even start. I've never had a friendship in my life where I wasn't doing most of the effort, only to watch it die the second I got tired or entropy took over.
I have taken a break from work to comment on this for two reasons:
1) I have asked numerous people what you do for a living, and not a single one has been able to tell me.
2) Corrie and I never do anything for Valentines Day. We're lucky if we even remember. It's just not our thing. More often, we'll do something days or weeks later and use the missed Valentines Day as an excuse to make whatever we do more expensive.
That's a good way to go about it! Chelsea and I met on February 16th, so it's always felt like we're slightly off when Valentine's Day comes around. We tend to celebrate later as well.
Sorry to make this about me, but I really feel like a future Roland. I've thought of writing a blog post about it, but I can't think of any angle where I don't come off as a whiny annoying bitch.
I'm nearing 30 and I've been in a relationship. It's the one piece of myself that I just can't seem to put together. I have hobbies I enjoy, I have a good group of friend, I have a job that pays me more than it has any reason to, and I don't have any health issues.
I went to a lot of social events in college, and I'm trying my best to attend similar events. I've used the apps. Yet, I just can't imagine any version of my life where I'm in a relationship. To make a random example, I could imagine "me" becoming a tenured professor. That would be a very different life. It's a life I have no interest in, but it's something I can imagine me doing. I cannot, however, imagine myself inhabiting the role of "boyfriend" anymore than I can imagine myself being a 11th century Viking.
It doesn't bother me 99% of the time, but every once in a while I just get a nagging feeling that I'm missing out on something that's an important part of being a human.
Sorry for the barely-on-topic rant, just feels nice to talk about it sometime.
There were many years when having a long term relationship seemed to me as impossible as becoming an astronaut, so I definitely know where you're coming from. Even when I met the woman who's now my wife, I told her that I never thought I'd get married or have children. Ten years later, I'm still with her and we now have two kids. But when I met her, I had never been in an official relationship with anyone, short term or long term.
I've touched on this kind of thing in different essays (https://radicaledward.substack.com/p/kanye?s=w https://radicaledward.substack.com/p/lofi?s=w) partly because I was this other person for so long that it still sometimes feels like I'm play-acting my current life.
I have no advice, honestly. Connection is difficult. Relationships are difficult. Why certain things click with some people but not others has very little to do with reason or compatibility. Often, on paper, relationships between people seem like they can't possibly work. And yet they do.
The otherside of this is that not everyone needs this. I know I did and do. I lied to myself often but always knew I was lying. It's possible that that 1% of the time you think about this has more to do with trying to look at yourself the way you imagine other people do.
Are you missing out on something? Well, yes. But we're all missing out on some aspects of humanity. It sort of depends on which experiences you're willing to live without and what you're willing to do to make sure you don't miss out on the ones you want.
I have a good friend who I imagine will always be single. They don't seem to mind! I've never even heard them mention the prospect of a romantic partner. To be honest, I don't even know their sexual orientation because it literally has never come up in the years we've known each other. But they're happy and content. In many ways, they're probably the most well-adjusted person I know.
I mean, it is something I want.i just have to be honest that its extremely unlikely
I mean, that's exactly how I felt until the day I met my wife. You really just never know. Hope for the best and try to remain open to love. You may meet the love of your life tomorrow but might not until you're 40 or 50.
Man, I don't even have that. I got used to eating in restaurants alone a long time ago. I never wanted romance; never saw why people threw themselves at it to the point of killing themselves. Wish I could at least make friends, though. Find myself surrounded by more and more Rolands; eventually won't fit in with people my own age. Trying to do something to reverse this.
Something a friend of mine did recently to some success was find facebook groups where people in her city are just looking for people to hangout with. I imagine it was awkward at first to put herself out there, but she's assembled a group of friends, which has improved her life a lot.
I've been to some groups. Everyone else brings their friends and hangs out, while I stand there awkwardly trying to fit in at a table or slip into a conversation. Sometimes it's worth the effort, sometimes not, but after, I'm alone again. I'm 40 years behind on making and keeping relationships and no idea how to even start. I've never had a friendship in my life where I wasn't doing most of the effort, only to watch it die the second I got tired or entropy took over.
I mean, it's easy for me to say to keep trying, though I know it's difficult to keep putting yourself out there.
Hopefully something changes for you or some relationship clicks for you.
I have taken a break from work to comment on this for two reasons:
1) I have asked numerous people what you do for a living, and not a single one has been able to tell me.
2) Corrie and I never do anything for Valentines Day. We're lucky if we even remember. It's just not our thing. More often, we'll do something days or weeks later and use the missed Valentines Day as an excuse to make whatever we do more expensive.
That's a good way to go about it! Chelsea and I met on February 16th, so it's always felt like we're slightly off when Valentine's Day comes around. We tend to celebrate later as well.
Much easier to get a reservation this way.