The Stories We Tell Boys

All the chatter about fighting for the masculine soul is, I think, important. Not just because it gives people something to write and talk about but because the stories we tell are so much more than, well, stories. Or rather, stories transcend the pages and knit themselves to our lives. To our souls.

To the very fiber of who and what we are.

I could list stats you’ve likely seen before, like the rising rate of male suicide and addiction, the plummeting rate of education and employment. I could point to stories in the news about young men who get a gun and murder someone or dozens of someones. You’ve heard of incels and Men Going Their Own Way and you’ve heard about how white males specifically are essentially all codified as terrorists on certain quarters of the internet.

You’ve probably heard at least some of this before.

And right now, political people wonder how the Democrats can win back young men, white men, old men. Any men! Often, you’ll hear this from men who probably sound like someone from this list that

Freddie deBoer

made a few years ago.

The Good White Man Roster

Because of this defensiveness from many white men on the progressive side of the aisle, where they feel they must differentiate themselves from ALL THOSE OTHER WHITE MEN, you might, if you were, say, a sixteen year old white boy, get the sense that you are not welcome or that you are a problem. Sadly, much of the messaging about white men from the left and liberals in the center is that they should step aside, be quiet.

And so you look elsewhere. I’ve spoken about this before, how the left, or at least what remains of it, or at least what amounts to it on the world wide web, open a door a mile wide for people like Jordan Peterson or Andrew Tate or some other freak to give young men a perspective of what a man is or can be.

If you cannot tell from my tone, I find this incredibly distasteful.

But when you grow up in a world where your race and gender have assigned you to a class of people who are deemed dangerous and antisocial and probably a terrorist or a rapist or, at best, a rapist in waiting, you might be drawn to someone who tells you that there is nothing wrong with being a man. That you have been lied to about who and what you are, who and what you can be.

In fact, it is good to be a man! More than that, it’s better to be a white man than any other segment of society!

And perhaps here is where they drop a seed of race science or chauvinism or some such thing, and you grab hold of it, grip it tight, because it’s the first time you’ve ever heard someone say that it is good to fit in the box that everyone has put you in since you went through puberty.

What I’m getting at is the simple fact that the right wing has a story about men and masculinity. Religious fundamentalists have a story about men and masculinity. Nazis and incels and all these various groups of the deranged have a story about men and masculinity and even about white men specifically or working class men or non-college educated men.

And for all that we may critique these stories, they are all positive cases for men. Even incels have a positive story about men. It involves an incredibly nasty and negative story about women, yes, but it does tell men a story about themselves where they are, in a sense, the hero.

What liberal democracies are failing and flailing at right now is telling men, and especially young men and working class men, a positive story about themselves.

Right now, most of the stories we have to give men are negative. And even if you believe that’s warranted, that men—especially white men—are irredeemable or should take a backseat to some other identity category for the next year or decade or lifetime…well, you must hear how that sounds.

Sadly or until some new major discovery, we must all live knowing that we have but this one life to live. How would you feel if I told you that you must live your single lifetime on this earth by sitting quietly in the corner until someone else fixes the mess your people made?

Politically, do you think that’s a good message?

If you have a son or know a young boy, do you think they’d look upon you kindly if you explained to them that they were responsible for generation upon generation of devastation?

At the very least, you must see how this is not convincing. This is not going to endear these people to you. I could use an analogy with some other racial or gender category to make it clearer, but we’re all adults, yes? You don’t need me to do that.

It is no secret that we are failing young men. Not only in small ways, but in catastrophic ways. In ways big as a bomb falling, heavy as a silent suicidal sleep, deep as the thrumming of the earth’s heart. There are chasms between us. Miles to go before even our fingertips graze together.

But stories can bridge that gap. Or rather, stories are the bridge.

Despite the failure of political, cultural, and social messaging about men of all stripes, the good news is that the stories are already out there and you can find them quickly. Right now, even. This moment.

You can turn on Parks & Rec and fall in love with Ron Swanson, with Chris Trager and Ben Wyatt. Three very different men, all of whom show what a man can be. They’re not prescriptive, but they do create a frame. Even Jerry represents a quiet strength. One that’s not afraid to be made a fool or to be ignored or demeaned. He can put up with all that because his job is not who he is. It’s just something he does.

Who he is lives inside his chest and home. He’s a father to three successful daughters. He has a beautiful wife. He has a pension to carry him through to the end of his days. Yes, he ate a lot of shit to get there, but I think he might be the happiest or at least most satisfied person on that show. Maybe on any show.

And there are thousands of other examples. You can turn on a sitcom and see a positive view of men. Sure, you can find a lot of negative ones as well. And if you’re sick of TV, you can pick up books.

I wrote that essay, in part, to show that there are other visions of masculinity out there being celebrated right now.

And since I have two boys, I do feel that I have a lot to say about masculinity and what I hope to model. I hope they find models not only in me, but in art and life and politics. And I hope, one day, they will model that for other boys. Boys their own age but also those younger, those generations yet to come.

With that in mind and having said all that, I will be discussing a variety of books that I think have something interesting and positive to say about masculinity. A brief, off the top of the head kind of list:

• The Stormlight Archive by Brandon Sanderson

• The Realm of the Elderlings by Robin Hobb

• Cradle by Will Wight

• Dungeon Crawler Carl by Matt Dinniman

• The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss

• A Song of Ice & Fire by George RR Martin

• The First Law by Joe Abercrombie

• Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien

• A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce

• The Savage Detectives by Roberto Bolano

• Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtry

• Stoner by John Williams

• Berserk by Kentaro Miura

And I may find time to sneak in some other books as well.

But I will say this:

Being a man is about action. It is about the things that you do.

I hope to explain that over the course of many upcoming essays.

Having said all that, one of my favorite views of masculinity comes from the simple sea shanty.

I do think this simple song says much of masculinity and what being a man is. What a man’s actions are. Why they are, and what they’re for.

Maybe I’ll do a deeper dive into this song specifically soon as well.

Until next time.

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